Letter 200 The Hague, c. 23 May 1882
Dear Theo,
Just a word in haste. Did you receive the drawings and my last letter? I mean the portfolio containing the large “Sorrow�and “The Roots,�etc.
I hear that Uncle Vincent is in Paris; I hope you did not speak to him about the matter in question. Of course they would consider it “immoral�or even worse. All right, they can chatter about it as much as they like as long as I don’t have to listen to it or be present.
Yesterday I received a kind letter from Father and Mother, which would please me very much if only I could believe that this feeling would continue. But when I speak to them about the affair with Christine (which I shall certainly do in three weeks, when she has gone to Leyden and I have the time to spare, but not before), then, I repeat, will they still speak kindly when they know all this???
But my marriage does not depend on them, and you know well enough what I think in this matter, and that as I do nothing unlawful, and as I doubt their competence to judge moral affairs, their refusal would certainly grieve me, but it would not stop me or give me pause.
I am again busy with the drawings for C. M. but will they please him? Perhaps not. I can conceive such drawings only as studies in perspective, and I am doing them especially for practice.
Even if he does not take them, I shall not be sorry for the trouble they gave me, because I should like to keep them myself, and because I practiced the elements which so much depends on: perspective and proportion.
During the last fortnight I have been weak, not feeling well at all; I haven’t given in to it and have gone on with my work. But, for instance, I have not been able to sleep for several nights, and have been feverish and nervous. But I force myself to keep going and working, for this is no time to get sick. I must go on.
Christine and her mother moved to a smaller house because when Christine returns from Leyden she will come to live with me, wherever I may be, either in better or in worse circumstances. It is a little house with a courtyard; I hope to make a drawing of it this week [F 941, JH 146; F 942, JH 147].
Every day I see more clearly that the step I am taking opens an interesting field for drawing and getting models. This must also be taken into account when judging me. My profession allows me to undertake this marriage �I could not do it if I had another position.
I am longing for your letter, and hope you will soon find time to write. I think, knowing how things are,
you could do much to straighten matters out (and if you want more information, I will give it to you gladly and honestly); I repeat, knowing how things are, you will be able to moderate and change the opinions of those who have only a very imperfect notion of the matter, and so disagreements will be avoided. For you understand that I want to avoid all disagreement, gossip and quarrels as much as possible; I spoke to no one but you about it, for the sake of peace, and I shall not do it more than is absolutely necessary �as, for instance, to Father when the time has come for Christine to go to Leyden.
This is nothing I have sought, but it has come across my path and I have tackled it, and I am glad that it is something which demands action without hesitation or reflection. And I showed you the darkest side of it first, in the hope that later on you won’t think it’s so bad.
But I wish I knew what to do about the studio I wrote you about. I would be content with a smaller house,
but I do not know of one more suitable. And I am afraid that a less suitable one would not be cheaper because then my work would suffer, though I should save a few guilders a month by paying less rent. And perhaps I should say later, Why did I let that studio go? Why didn’t I try harder to get it?
I long for your coming even more than for your letter, but I understand that perhaps I shall have to wait some time still. I am not in a mood for writing, but one must do it sometimes. It would be good if you could send me something, for I am rather hard up. Well, at all events write soon. I should especially like to know your opinion about the studio. It may be gone any day. Adieu, I repeat, don’t deprive yourself, but if possible send me something.
Yours sincerely, Vincent
And let me know if you have received the drawings.